Why receiving feedback can be as complicated as giving it
The story
The working group had worked successfully for months to research, design and implement a career development programme for HR professionals. It was to consist of a map of career paths, a set of competencies needed for modern HR delivery aligned with the HR strategy, and a learning offer to develop these.
A manager stopped by for some impromptu advice. He looked quite hurried which was unusual for a man who was so calm normally. “My boss has just said he would like to give me some feedback as part of performance management. It is the first time he has ever done this in 5 years!,” he explained. “ I am feeling terrified. Can you help me prepare?”
I shared some resources and we talked through the feelings that had emerged in relation to the prospect of a feedback session.
He remembered experiences of being criticized at home and at work and laughed as he realized that the words of his boss had triggered the memories of being ‘told off’ by his parents or disciplined at school. I shared with him David Rock’s SCARF model which I think helped him understand the strength of his reactions and we also role played some responses that he could use in the case his fears were realized and the feedback appeared negative and also in the case that it was positive!
The psychology
David Rock’s SCARF model of social threats and rewards explains well some of the reasons for which the word ‘feedback’ can send so many of us directly into a ‘fight or flight’ response to danger. Rock’s model posits that 5 domains of human interaction activate the same brain reward centers as physical rewards, like money, and the same brain ‘threat’ centers as physical threats, like pain. It was no wonder that the manager was so ‘shaken’ about the invitation from his boss which had landed with the same intensity as a serious physical threat. The 5 domains of human social experience in the model are: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness. When each one is considered, it can be seen how feedback situations and, in fact, traditional approaches to performance management have the potential to activate ‘primary threat’ brain circuitry.
The manager in question was anticipating negative feedback that could potentially impact negatively on his status and similar brain networks were activated to those activated during a life threatening event. Certainty about the outcome of the conversation and his whole future in the organization were equally challenged. His sense of autonomy was reduced in the same way. He could not control the outcome of the conversation and his sense of relatedness - a sense of safety- in his relationship with his boss felt weakened. Finally he had lost all notion of the possibility of a fair exchange during the looming performance management session.
What helps
Rock’s model suggests that anything we can do to activate “reward” neural circuitry and de activate “threat” circuitry when managing the performance of others will have positive impact.
When supporting others to give and receive feedback:
Ensure that it feels like part of an ongoing regular conversation about work in a way which enables status and certainty to increase.
Increase the sense of fairness in the exchange by not only providing feedback but asking for it as well.
Allow receivers of feedback to make as many decisions as possible about how performance is managed (timing and place of conversations)
Build an ongoing relationship in which feedback features naturally to increase sense of psychological safety that allows constructive and positive aspects of performance to be considered freely.
Resources
David Rock: SCARF: a brain based model for collaborating with and influencing others. Neuro Leadership Journal (2008)
Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback well” (even when it is off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly you’re not in the mood.) 2014. This book is and in depth look at the neuroscience and mindsets which explain individual differences in being able to hear and use feedback well.
